Dance Anthem of the 80s [Joe]

[Mindy Omnis]

<sup>It was a fine December day. It had finally snowed in Camp, and the powdery substance had stuck, coating the ground and freezing the lake’s water.

The woods around the lake were quiet, noises muffled by the snow, and if anyone had been at the lake on that particular fine December day, they would no doubt have been helplessly tempted onto the ice, which was surprisingly thick. The naiads might have something to do with that, although anyone there would have stayed away from their usual haunts—they would have plummeted through thin ice and possibly drowned.

It was not, however, advised that anyone be at the lake on this particular fine December day.

Mindy Omnis, who was seated on the edge of the pier, finished lacing up her left skate and moved onto the right. Her hair was tied up except for a few strands that had evaded the scrunchie, and a disturbingly neon rainbow scarf was tied around her neck. It matched her skate laces. And her gloves. And her earmuffs. And her socks, if anyone had been able to see them past the four pairs of pants and the one pair of jeans she was wearing.

She tied the lace in a small, neat bow, clapped the heels of her skates together in almost a ritual maneuver, and leaned over to peer warily at the frozen ice.

Mindy was not easily scared, you see, but if there was one thing that scared her, it was the idea of skating where someone could see her.

But there was no way to avoid it. The pier wasn’t too far away from the ice. If she landed wrong the worst thing would be that she would bang her head on the dock while falling. And maybe she could stand up and walk all the way around to a bank and get onto the ice that way, but that just seemed cowardly.

The redhead inched forward, until she was hovering on the very edge of the pier.

She could always turn back. Just go back to the cabin and pretend she had skated. It would be okay.

But no! Mindy Omnis was a Hades kid! And Hades kids were made of sterner stuff than that!

So Mindy scowled defiantly at the ice, and slipped off the edge.

Fortunately, she didn’t land wrong, and managed to keep her feet when her skates hit the ice.

Unfortunately, she didn’t keep her feet on her first slide.

Having steadied herself on the ice, Mindy took a long, shuddering breath and let go of the pier. The blades of the skates moved just a little, but not enough to tip her over, and she let out the breath in relief. She moved her left foot tentatively, moving it back behind her right, and when she still didn’t fall over she pushed with her left foot.

And slid forward with a speed that could only be rivaled by a hyperactive Sable.

This semi-graceful slide turned into a mad dance for balance on the ice, skates flailing wildly, until one skate hooked around the other and Mindy was thrown onto her back. Her breath was knocked out with a loud oof noise, and she lay there for a moment, winded and/or stunned.

Ice was not Mindy’s element. She was okay in the water, and on land she was a fiend, but ice? No. Mindy had tried to figure-skate when she was ten and ended up falling into a snowdrift. No matter how much she had tried to improve, she would always fall over as soon as she stepped onto the ice.

Which was why Mindy had chosen to skip to at least try to hone her failure instead of waiting for everyone to see her.

The redhead sat up on the ice, rubbing the back of her head, and scowled at her skates as if it was all their fault. “… Stupid weather. It shouldn’t snow. Water shouldn’t freeze,”</sup>[/color] she grumbled, carefully regaining her footing. “It only makes stupid people who fail at skating tempt fate.”[/color][/sup]

[Cynthia Wood]

<sup>Joe had become quite the entrepreneur in the two years he left camp. While he preferred employment that allowed him to be the odd-jobs man to attractive middle-aged housewives who still wanted to seem young, a tradition had formed between him and Cynthia that he would always be a Santa Claus at the mall.

Joe and Cyn said that they spent the last two years together; however, most of the time Joe was left to his own devices while Cynthia wandered around calling in fake bomb threats to places. However, she never failed to make her annual appearances at the mall before payday, which was how she became a part of Joe’s tradition. It had only gone on for two years, but she had already managed to have Joe enrolled in a rehabilitation program for pedophiles by going to sit on Joe’s lap like a child and asking if that was a candy cane in his pocket, or if Joe was just happy to see her. It was, admittedly, a nicer plot than the time she arrived in her own Santa costume and declared in front of all the children that Joe was an impostor before proceeding to hand out candy bars that probably contained razor blades as a key ingredient.

They let Joe keep the Santa costume only because he had ran away before they could reclaim it.

So instead, Cynthia had decided they form a new tradition because her life appeared to be a series of traditions that she was resolute on upholding. This tradition involved Joe dressing up in his stolen costume and parading around camp with candy canes. He had a loyal troop of fat kids that had been following him for the past few days. “The lumps,” as Cynthia referred to them.

It was a word that Joe couldn’t get out of his mind. Cynthia had a fetish for referring to people as lumps (she still wasn’t enrolled in her classes because every time she went to see Mr. D, she couldn’t talk for fear of “you’re lumpy!” slipping out). Joe refused to shove a pillow up his costume because he didn’t want to look like a lump.

“Well. Speak of the lump.” and she doth appear, Joe silently added, in case any of the viewers at home couldn’t understand his allusion. He felt fairly clever, and he didn’t wish to be misunderstood. “What are you wearing? Seven pairs of pants? Mindles, that does nothing for your figure.”

“A less of a lump wouldn’t have fallen so hard,” he pointed out bluntly. Joe stepped onto the ice in his Cole Haan loafers, which were not the most intelligent choice of footwear considering he didn’t want to get leather wet, and extended a hand to pull Mindy up. “People won’t make babies with you if you look like that.” Joe paused, and then corrected, “except for Sable. She’s a chubby chaser.”

“Although, if you had a baby, you’re such a clutz that you would probably have a miscarria-“ Oh my damn. Oh my damn. Ohmydamnohmydamnohmydamn. That is not good territory for Mindy. Distract her! Dance! “You’re obese, Mindy,” Joe insulted lamely. “Just like the rest of America!”

That was always a good way of averting her attention.

“Are we skating? Yeah, let’s skate. I’ll just... reach inside my little present sack of mysteries and get some skates. Santa always gets what he reaches in there for.” Joe stuck his hand inside the burlap sack that was supposed to be full of cotton balls and pulled out a pair of skates with silver blades that glinted in the winter sun.

Joe had just witnessed a Christmas miracle.</sup>

[Mindy Omnis]

<sup>... Oh. Look who decided to show up.

"So glad the princess could come to the prince's rescue,"</sup>[/color] Mindy grumbled, folding her arms and stubbornly refusing to take Joe's hand. Of course, since she was already half on her feet already, she just ended up falling over again. She ignored this too. Because Mindy, as we have stated before, is a master of ignoring.

... She was going to have some pretty beast bruises in the morning, though. Mindy, you idiot.

"And I'm wearing five pairs of pants,"[/color] she continued, her voice now taking on a defensive tone. "It's cold out here. What are you wearing? ... A Santa suit? THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO STAY WARM. JOSEPH, YOU IDIOT."[/color] Mindy made a clicking noise at him, somewhat like a demented robot, and stuck out her tongue. "Sable doesn't have the privilege of making babies with me anyway. Squish is sexy, Jordan. I'd offer to give you proof, but you're being a twit."[/color]

She sniffed haughtily, or as haughtily as she could when she was sitting on the ice having to be helped up by Joseph Jordan, and finally accepted the hand. "... And I think I'd be an excellent baby-carrier. I have had plenty of experience with food babies, and I never miscarried those. Except once I got the flu and when I thought it was over I went on a food rampage because Cela wouldn't let me eat anything but medicine while I was sick because she didn't want me throwing up. Stupid Cela. ... Then the flu came back and I spent the rest of the day hunched over a basin. But it was okay. I would have to have named it Soup anyway. Soup Fronion Omnis."[/color] Mindy made a severely mournful face and clasped her hands in front of her chest, staring pitifully at Joe. "You weren't there to help me through that troubled time! I was so alooooone! ... Except for Sable. And she kept trying to tie me to the bedposts and sex me while I was lying in bed ill so Cela just kicked her out."[/color]

... This conversation was getting really awkward. Mindy was not a master of maneuvering through awkward conversations. She was a master of making others feel awkward, and of creating awkwardness by suddenly flapping her arms and declaring that she was the leader of the non-virginal Hunters, and did anyone here want to join? Their motto was "Even though those jerks might be immortal, we can be sluts and hunt at the same time!"

That either broke the awkward tension, created even more awkwardness, or ended up with Mindy running away trying not to get killed.

"... I'm recruiting!"[/color] she blurted out before her brain could catch up with her mouth. "Non-virginal Hunters. The real hunters might be immortal but we're cooler. Yeah. We can be sluts and hunt. And we're not sexist! Boys, girls, boys who look like girls, hobos of questionable gender, sexless aliens who reproduce by mental touch, anyone!"[/color] Mindy grinned a little panicky grin and flapped her arms, although that almost sent her toppling over again. "It would be really cool if you joined because right now we only have one member and if you could convince Aphrodite to back us we could potentially be immortal too. And that would be awesome. Because then we could be like 'HAHA LOOK WHAT YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON ARTEMIS' and generally feel better than her. Even though we are better than her anyway. We would just make them feel bad."[/color]

She abruptly realized what she had just said and to whom. Her ears slowly went as red as her hair, and she coughed awkwardly.

"... Er. Yeah. I just remembered... something I have to do... oven. Cocoa. Cold,"[/color] she said lamely. And maybe she could have gotten away with that.

BUT NO. Mindy couldn't just leave it at a few halfhearted excuses. Nooo, she had to ramble on as if saying farewell, spinning long and exaggerated tales about how Camp had been so sad without Joe and Cyn, but she really had to go now, and by the way tell Sable to stop molesting me when she thinks I'm asleep, and a variety of other things, and finally "... Oh look! A butterfly! I wonder if Cela let Ari off her leash. Maybe Ari's into that. I should find out and tell Sada if she does have a leash fetish. ... This conversation just got really awkward. 'm sorry. I blame your sister. ... Um. You me big skate now? Before convo get weirder?"[/color][/sup]

[Cynthia Wood]

<sup>“We’re reworking the fairytales, Mindles. Like the black fairy tale Disney came out with so that they could be politically correct. The Princess and the Frog... or no, it was the Frog Princess, wasn’t it?” Joe compassionately ignored Mindy’s second tumble. He opted not to make a sarcastic comment because Joe did not understand sarcasm. It didn’t seem like an extremely impressive way of insulting people. Cynthia wasn’t clever enough for most sarcasm, but she managed to piss plenty of people off. Sarcasm just held people who were too caught up in their own brilliance back. Joe would not be a part of it.

He tilted his head to the side. “Santa always keeps warm, though. This is an excellent way to keep warm.” His costume was covered in faux fur, and he had a big, heavy hat over his ears. How could Joe be cold? “I understand squish is sexy. Definitely. I’d show you some of mine, but I’m toned.”

Two years of brisk, early morning runs had definitely been helpful. It was the Cynthia Wood Training Program, and it was also just as useful as a cold shower. “Wait, was that sarcasm I just said, Mindy?” His face lit up like a little boy at Christmas. “Or was it just a lame insult?” Joe frowned again; he would learn how to use sarcasm some day.

Joe stared blindly at Mindy as tales of Sable’s rapistry floated right over his head. “Cyn and I had a food baby together once... I made a bunch of cookies, and she ate them all. We named it Sheryl, but then she went to the gym and aborted it.” He smiled vaguely, “I’ve missed Sable’s shenanigans. She always cheered me up whenever I had a cold.” It was a well-known fact that sex can cure the common cold, although Joe didn’t have sex. Obvi.

Joe found that pointing out that he could join the virginal hunters was a fairly cruel point to make. He was beginning to see that he never should have left Mindy alone at camp with no one to talk to except for Sable. She had managed to insert innuendo into every sentence, and Joe shuddered to think what Sable’s friends could think up if he ever used the word “insert” like that near them.

Truthfully, he didn’t even remember who Cela was. She could have potentially been the little girl with a nymph- but no, that was Merle. Joe believed she was a nymph, but the only one he could remember was the old rain nymph. Maybe Cela was the gigantic bastard who- no, Joe could clearly remember that was Myles. He nodded along as if he followed Mindy’s references, “Oh, Cela. What surprises will she role out next? That silly girl... maybe.”

“You really want to try skating again?” Joe asked warily, plopping down on the ice to kick off his loafers and stuff them in Santa’s sack. He pulled the ice skates on and put all his strength into lacing them professionally. Joe couldn’t help being OCD when it came to dance and her sister sports, gymnastics and ice-skating. “Make sure no little kids break into my sack of mysteries while I’m skating, then. Watch out for the Lumps, too. They haven’t gotten a candy cane for a few hours.”

Joe might have sounded like he was being rude to campers who just happened to be more skinny-challenged than he was, but he had come back to find them rooting around in his sack like sad little piggies multiple times. Joe was not going to put up with their snacking weaknesses. He couldn't help having been raised in a cabin that used the word "fat" the way most politically incorrect people, or Cynthia Wood, as they preferred to be called, used the word "gay".</sup>

[Mindy Omnis]

^{"Princess and the Frog,"}[/color] Mindy corrected. "... Mindles makes me think of knitting. I don't knit. Cyn knits."[/color] She frowned sternly at Joe. Shame on him. Shame on him, confusing her with Cyn.

Although she did steal one of Sable's scarves, which she suspected may have once belonged to Cyn, so maybe the mix-up wasn't too bad.

"... As long as you don't wear one of those really bad skirted Santa suits. I don't think I could handle that."[/color] That could potentially be worse than Sable's caffeinated playboy bunny Halloween performance. "And to answer your question, I think it was a declarative sentence. Except I don't want to see your squish, because you're a twit. Twits are unsquishable."[/color]

She stuck her tongue out again and made a valiant attempt to skate away. For some reason she succeeded this time, and slid to an-at-least-not-horizontal stop a dozen feet away.

... Cool. Maybe she should skate off haughtily more often.

"So do you want to join or not?"[/color] she inquired, swaying unsteadily. "I mean, for cereal. I'm the only member because Sable's a dumbass and still thinks she can join the regular Hunters whenever they show up, and just one member petitioning Aphy for immortality is... just one person petitioning for immortality."[/color]

That probably wouldn't be well-received. Didn't you have to have, like, a set number of members in an organization before you could make the members immortal upon joining? Even though the only reason people would be joining would be so they could be immortal. Maybe they could have a "make us immortal and we'll get this many members" contract with Aphrodite. That could work.

"Cela is that short chick with the disproportionately long hair,"[/color] Mindy clarified. Really, Joe. Don't even try to fool Mindy into thinking you know who someone is. She's not nearly as stupid as she acts on occasion. "She left a year ago and she just got back. She wants my bed. But not me. In her bed, I mean. Which is good. 'Cause that's not the way I roll. Sable keeps talking about tying her to the bed with her own hair, though."[/color]

She crouched down to avoid slipping about for a few more minutes, and eyed Joe curiously. "... So that is a candy cane in your pocket? I thought you were just happy to see me!"[/color] Mindy stood up again, looking huffy. "You know what, Joe. This. This is too far. IT'S OVER. I DON'T CARE IF WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL. I'M LEAVING YOU. Oh crap FALLING-"[/color]

The redhead flailed about for a minute or so until she steadied out, and frowned at the ice. ... So maybe skating away in a huff was out. Maybe she could sled on her belly.[/sup]

[Cynthia Wood]

<sup>“Why don’t you knit, Mindy? It’s a very useful pastime.” Joe stared at her earnestly, “Cyn knitted me a snuggie one time.” Joe didn’t actually wear the snuggie because that was designer suicide, but he liked to be the sort of person who owned one. “It would make you an excellent housewife someday-“ Joe stopped, mulling the sentence over in his mind. “I mean, if you want to be. I could be the housewife if you want. But that’s not to say that we’re going to get married just so that we can make snuggies. That’s all up to you if you want to get married or not, but I’m not proposing right now. You don’t have to make any decisions on the spot. Or do you want to get married? I don’t want to offend you by taking away the proposal now so... we’ll just do what you want, okay?”

Joe was quiet.

He could definitely out-awkward Mindy.

He nodded slowly, “Yeah, would we actually be immortal? I have a bit of an issue with getting old. My kids are never making me a grandfather. I mean, maybe our kids are never making us a grandfather. Maybe they’re just my kids. I won’t go and have kids with someone else unless you want me to. That would really be kind of awkward, though. You don’t need to tell me who to have kids with. Unless you want to. Again, it’s totally up to you. As long as you don’t choose Cyn. I think she eats her babies. Actually, she can’t even ha- Anyway. I’m joining up. But if I don’t get immortality after a year, I’m going to have to resort to sleeping with my mother or Hera or someone.” Joe had to stop digging these graves for himself. He wasn’t going to ask Mindy if he was allowed to sleep with the gods. He would refrain. Mindy didn’t care so Joe shouldn’t try to drag her into his bad decisions.

Sable really did have a bondage fetish. Joe always worried that she was becoming emo because she had a bunch of thick rope in the cabin, but now he could understand why. He could understand, and he didn’t like it. “She doesn’t have a lisp, right?” Joe clarified. He needed to get flashcards to memorize names and primary aspects, too. It was something that everyone could benefit from.

Joe gaped at Mindy. Why weren’t she and Cynthia best friends? This made no sense at all. They could be really tight. “I actually prefer the candy cane jokes. Cynthia decided it was helping my ego too much and changed it to candy corn afterwards. Dweeb,” he muttered.

There are certain things you just need to do when people say they’re going to leave you. Joe planned on doing every single one. “NO. MINDY. I CAN CHANGE,” he shrieked dramatically. He ran, or skated very quickly, to hug her, but his stopping was not nearly as adept as his skating. The hug turned more into Joe crashing into Mindy, falling to the ice, and sliding many feet. “That’s never happened to me beforee. I feel like YOU.”</sup>

[Mindy Omnis]

^{Mindy nodded solemnly and stroked her chin, as if deep in thought. Then she realized that only people with goatees did that and stopped. "I dunno. We could always kidnap Cela to be the housewife. Even if she isn't married to either of us. We can chain her to the kitchen doorway and she can cook. Since a woman's place is obviously in the kitchen. ... I'd have to keep you in there too, but maybe we can let you out when there's company over."}[/color]

She left off this train of thought and instead pressed a hand over her heart, staring in absolute mock-shock at Joe. "Are - are you proposing to me? ... There should be a ring or something. Do you have a plastic ring in that sack of mysteries? Preferably something not sparkly, so Aimée doesn't try to chew my finger off in the night."[/color] Mindy shook her head slowly and tsked. "I swear that girl is a niffler in disguise. I shudder to think of her children."[/color]

Aimée would probably be a spinster forever, actually. Albiet a very insane spinster.

"Anyway, a wedding in December would be really tacky. Christmas wedding. Bleh. You should have proposed earlier, we could have had a Halloween wedding!"[/color] Her neck cracked while she was nodding emphatically. A Halloween wedding was Mindy's dream. Sable would have a love/hate relationship with it. Total lack of tradition combined with too much candy.

Yes, a Halloween wedding was Mindy's lifelong dream. Besides committing the perfect murder and never getting caught, but Mindy would have her cake and eat it too. "As it is. We should wait until June. Or Hera will be pissed at us. Maybe we should elope. I'll bring the monkey."[/color]

Mindy was firmly convinced that eloping required a monkey. Preferably some sort of rare gibbon. She was pretty sure that Sable had a taxidermied gibbon under her bed somewhere for just an occasion.

"... Hey. Joe. I don't know if you noticed this, but I'm not a boy."[/color] She made a sweeping motion with her hands as if to demonstrate her utter female... osity. "So unless I impregnate someone else I technically can't be a grandfather. So. GRANDPARENTS. JESUS KRISPIES IN A FURRY BLANKET WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF PLURALS?"[/color] Mindy made a sharp gesture with one of her hands to mock-smack Joe over the head. "And you're not allowed to sleep with Hera. Aphrodite maybe. But just don't do it where I can see, you two look too much alike for it not to be creepy."[/color]

Sable was over rope, anyway. She had gotten several serious talks from her siblings about getting over her problems, don't give up, it will all be okay, just don't commit suicide Sable. So now she was onto string and the victim's own hair. She had attracted some weird looks when she had tied her hands together with strands of Nerissa's cut-off hair, but she was used to them. It might have been that she had dyed her hair purple, too. Mindy wasn't quite sure. Sable attracted looks all the time.

"Nope. That's Merle. In the holy name of poprocks, do we need to study people just to learn their names? Should I quiz you?"[/color] Mindy was an excellent quizzer. Or quiz-ee. Many times over the years she had had Sable recite the names of various types of deaths so she could remember their definition.

Mindy was a weird 'un.

"Just 'cause Cyn acts like she has a candy cane doesn't mean she has to make everyone else feel bad about theirs,"[/color] Mindy said disapprovingly, and then shrieked almost as loudly as Joe upon impact.

Ohgodcoldicecoldicetheiceiscoldohgodcoldice.

"AND YOU LIKE IT TOO. PERVERT,"[/color] she cried, voice high-pitched, as she squirmed helplessly around somewhat like a stranded jellyfish. Except without the stingers. "I must admit that was an excellent penguin impersonation, though. TUXEDO SQUAD AWAAAYYY!"[/color]

And she started away across the ice on her belly, arms flapping at her sides. Under no circumstances was Joe to tell her that she actually did look strikingly like a sliding penguin. If penguins wore scarves.[/sup]

[Cynthia Wood]

<sup>Joe wasn’t quite used to the style of having a conversation with Mindy. It was almost like he said all the dialogue he was meant to say for the next five minutes, and then she systematically replied to everything all at once. It was off-putting, to say the least. Joe felt like he was instant messaging Mindy with his voice. The weirdest part definitely was that Joe would tackle her, but some strange time warp would have her stay standing long enough to reply to everything Joe said before he tackled her. What was this?

“We could play Superman. I’d be Superman, and you’d be Lex Luther. I already own spandex.” He and Sable had a His and Her set of workout spandex that Joe had blackmailed her into buying so he wouldn’t feel like a dork all on his own. All those demigods fought in the arena in jeans – or, in Cyn’s case, Armani dress pants that she had no idea the value of – when it severely impaired their mobility. Joe preferred to go to swordfighting class with American Apparel sweatbands, leotards, spandex, and leg warmers. He felt pretty cool.

He could see how Aimée found a wormhole in the time-space continuum in this camp. Joe had opted not to reply to comments Mindy made five minutes ago, even though it was still his turn to reply. “I seem to have upset the base of reality, Mindles,” Joe said somberly. “And I’m making it worse by not focusing on your penguin slide because that’s the latest thing you did.”

A sobbing noise came from the back of Joe’s throat. “I don’t know what’s going on in my own head.”</sup>