You'll Come A-Waltzing Matilda With Me {Mindy}

[Cynthia Wood]

<sup>Joe was going to go down in history as the most pious demigod in all of Camp Half-Blood. Stories would be told of him to younger campers who wanted to find out how to please the gods. He would be the subject of the Apollo cabin’s songs. I Am My Own Great, Great Grandfather was already based off Joe, of course, but no one around the camp knew it was him. Everyone assumed “Myles” when they heard it. Lies, lies, lies.

”Waltzing Joe-tilda, Waltzing Joe-tilda. You’ll come a-waltzing Joe-tilda with me. And he sang as he sat and waited while his billy- er, waffles boiled- um, waffle ironed... you’ll come a-waltzing Joe-tilda with me..”

He took a step back to admire his handy work. The dining pavilion had been raped by waffle ingredients. Egg dripped from the ceiling of the pavilion, flour clung to the dry grass over twenty paces away from Joe like snow, milk dripped down Joe’s shirt from the break in which he decided to figure out what it was like to lactate, shortening globbed together in a puddle on the floor, and the vanilla extract sat in a circle of pristine working space. Joseph smiled proudly. Batter had been separated into various bowls with food coloring dripped in them.

As womanly and appealing as Joe was sure he was, cooking had never been his strong point. He could burn toast in the microwave. More importantly, he could toast in the microwave. No one ever said his culinary exploits had to be synonymous with cooking. That was unfair. The guy who made Pygmalion probably hadn’t been able to cook. That was all Joe was doing. He was making the Pygmalion of the 21st century. He was fucking Andy Warhol. He was a pioneer of entirely new forms of worship.

The timer on the waffle ironed beeped, and Joe flipped the lid up. His mouth dropped open in dismay. He probably should have considered what waffles were and what sort of texture they had before he decided to make an in-color sculpture of his mother. ”Crap. She’s a crater-face...” At least it would make Aphrodite happy to see it burn.</sup>

[Mindy Omnis]

^{"... um, Joe? What is that?"}[/color]

Stalking Joe? Probably. Infected with the magical shard of a creepy heart? Probably not. Mindy was probably more like the person who had once had the magical shard of a creepy heart. Mindy wanted a magical ballerina princess to smash through a window and give her all her heart shards memories back. And, of course, Mindy wasn't going to draw Joe obsessively. But she was just as much of a stalker in her own way.

Said stalker entered the pavilion a little hesitantly, clutching a roll of paper in her hand. This was, in fact, a list of everyone in camp so she could work on relearning their names, but no one had bothered to make her flashcards, so it was pretty useless. Mindy really needed a study buddy. "Are you... doing waffle sculptures or waffle mountains? Oh! Are they sculptures of mountains?"[/color]

The redhead grinned suddenly, dropped the paper, and skipped over to Joe. "I love mountains,"[/color] she said in a tone of reminiscence. Mindy couldn't reminisce, but she could put up an excellent imitation. "They're tall and beautiful and occasionally they fall apart, but only because Gaia has temper tantrums. Will your waffle mountains fall apart when you have temper tantrums, or is there a god of waffles that can destroy them for you?"[/color]

Suddenly looking very serious, Mindy clasped her hands in front of her and stared at Joe with something like pleading. "Can... can I be the god of waffles? I'd like to be the god of waffles. I like waffles..."[/color]

It was possible: someone could be dumber than Joe.[/sup]

[Cynthia Wood]

<sup>”They’re like metaphors of your whole existence, mountains.” Joe grinned at Mindy. ”That’s nice for you. I think that mochi is a metaphor of my existence.” It was squishy and malleable on the outside, sweet but colder on the inside, and it had websites dedicated to where you could find it. That was pretty much Joe’s life in a nutshell. As an added coincidence, Joseph was the only person who really stalked the websites where you could find mochi. Everyone else just laughed at it.

Joe was a top-notch stalker. Mindy would have been proud to know that Joe was able to follow in her footsteps, quite literally. The Aphrodite Awesomeness Committee official folder was full of Joe’s absent-minded drawings of the ugly campers. It was referred to as the Lump Files. It wasn’t on purpose. He was just enthralled by how some people could be so unattractive when they were surrounded by people like him everyday.

He wasn’t a bitch, though.

”Eat that waffle into the shape of Aphrodite’s face, and then we’ll see.” Joe would eat it himself but... it was the Eternal Aphrodite Diet. He didn’t do things like that. It would absolutely ruin his figure. ”I have serious plans for these waffles, Mindy. Serious plans.”

Those plans did not involve knowing how he would end up sticking the sculpture together, but Joe was not at that point yet. He also didn’t know how Aphrodite was going to react towards being a big lump of sugar and fat. Some people found giant waffle sculptures very attractive. It was like the McDonald’s playboy.

The incessant beeping on the iron that Joe had opened several minutes before was starting to get on Joseph’s nerves. What did it expect to happen? He had already opened it! The waffle was just... sitting happily on the... still cooking... iron... and... ”Damn.” Joe pinched one of the craters in the waffle and pulled it up off the iron. It dropped down onto the plate, leaving Joe with a handful of the burnt half-black, half-white goddess’s face.

He surveyed the damage critically. ”You know... no one really knows what race the gods are. I mean, obviously they’re Greek, but it’s like Jesus... he may have been black. I think I just accidentally burnt a metaphor.” Joe didn’t know why the word “metaphor” seemed to be stuck in his head, but he was enjoying it. ”This... is genius.” Joe might have been smarter than the entire Athena bookclub put together. Which, of course, meant that Joe might have been smarter than Only Arianrhod.</sup>

[Mindy Omnis]

^{Mindy didn't think mountains were metaphors for her existence. Maybe... pens. Pens were an excellent metaphor for her existence. "Actually. I think I'm a ballpoint pen."}[/color] Completely oblivious to whatever innuendo could be choked out of this innocent statement, Mindy mimed scribbling on air. "'Cause they're so black and pointy and they leave marks wherever they go, and when you run out of the ink on one you freak out. And everyone seems to be out of them when you need one. And they have tooth marks all over them."[/color]

Mindy didn't have tooth marks, but she could pretend.

Mindy could not pretend, however, that she wasn't an excellent stalker. She hadn't actually drawn anyone, unlike some green-haired shard-infected art geeks that could be mentioned (but not by Mindy, because Mindy wasn't a complete geek). Sable had tried to get her to draw pictures on random people, but Mindy had resisted the temptation.

However, Sable had not. Mindy was still scrubbing Sharpie off of her belly.

Exactly how Sable had managed to draw on her belly was not a question that wanted answering.

Mindy's face compressed into a tight frown. "But... I'm not hungry. I JUST HAD BREAKFAST, JOE. DUMBASS."[/color] She aimed a thwack at the back of his head. "... you're also a dumbass for burning a waffle. That's not black, you idiot, that's... burnt black. I don't think Aphrodite would appreciate looking like she had a fatal encounter with a chimneysweep."[/color]

She bent over the misshapen blob that was masquerading as a waffle, frowning at it speculatively. No... no. This would not do. This would not do at all. "You know,"[/color] she began, "we could do something a lot more interesting than burning waffles and potentially making your mommy mad. Especially if I'm anywhere nearby when you're making her mad."[/color]

Mindy was pretty sure that Aphrodite didn't like her. It was just one of those hunches. Then again, Mindy was pretty sure most people didn't like her, mostly because no one would make her flash cards.

This did not please her.[/sup]